Local Gunslinger Behind Bars: Vows to kill the three who put him there.


Gary "Gun Powder" Bishop..a.k.a. Willy Nelson.

Tuesday, September 21, 1885
(AP)

Pottsville, Pa- Gary "Gun Powder" Bishop was tossed in the slammer early Monday morning on charges of Looting, Horse Stealing, and other heinous acts. Legend has it that three mysterious men were coming out of the Yuengling Ice Cream store and noticed ol' Gun Powder holding up the Towne Drugs Shoppe. They immediately dropped their delicious frozen treats and gunned down the old bastard with what they call "synthetic pellets". Upon getting locked up Gun Powder had one thing to say, "I'm gunna kill them little twerps, ya hear!"
The three heroes were later identified as; Marc "Giddy-Up" Gustas, Chuck "Red Dog" St.Clair, and Tony "Trigger Happy" Mercuri. The three claimed they were from the distant future.
"We came back in time to slug some good ol' moonshine, play a game of cards, and a visit to the local brothel," stated Giddy-Up. They say that they come from 120 years into the future a place where, "Goko Company reigned supreme."
We questioned Trigger Happy Tony about if hes scared of Gun Powder. To which he replied, "Who gives a shit? If that smelly ass-hole breaks out, he'll have the "Bull-Pup" (his gun) to answer to." He then took down a shot of whiskey, and dropped to the floor ... puking all over himself.
The three decided to take off in some sort of motor-wagon. "It's a 1989 Ford Tempo, she's a mean old bitch... but she'll get us home," ranted Red Dog, as he polished off his bottle of 'shine.
Our new heroes were gone, no quicker than they had come, they all put there hands out the window and gave the town, what we think is a friendly gesture from the future ... their middle fingers.
They rode off into the sunset later Monday night.
At the same time Monday night, Gun Powder died ... squished his own head to death trying to fit through the cell bars.
Stupid ol' bastard.
Bird on fire crashes into building, radio station born.

Staff photo.

 

Thursday, January 5, 2005
(AP)
No one knows where, Schuylkill County - It seems that something good has come from Centralia. Several witnesses have apparently witnessed, "a large flaming bird rising from dose der flamin ashes over by dem trees!" exclaimed one witness. This picture, taken by Goko's own, depicts the massive beast awakening and heading toward its destination.

"We believe the bird [phoenix] came from a mixture of Schuylkill River water and the fact that Schuylkill County has a town.. thats constantly on FIRE," deduced chief investigator Lucas Martz.

But that isnt the whole story. Once the bird came out of the ashes, it flew head on into a building in the heart of the county, forming a radio station comprised of nonstop rock hits of the 70's 80's and 90's. The station was aptly named the Phoenix 1450.

So for all you air guitarists and desktop drummers, tune into AM 1450, and rock on!

 

 

You can't erase yourself.

Poor Jim Bevan found out years later that his little experiment incidentally gave him skin cancer.

Thursday, April 4, 1991
(AP)
All Saints School, Pottsville - A study by student, James Bevan, 7,son of John and Mary Bevan, concludes that you cannot become invisible by rubbing an eraser up and down the arm. Little Jimmie claims that while he was in the hallway outside Mrs. Kohlcol's room when he tried to become invisible in attempts to duck out of school early. "At first i thought it was working, because I felt a strange sensation on my skin, but it almost immediately broke out into a rash." Bevan confesses that it was a crappy eraser that just smears red all over the paper, but is confident that his results hold true for any pencil top eraser.

 

 

 

Tidelines staffers mourn death of Thurmond.

Both Mercuri and St. Clair mourn Strom's death to this very day.

Monday, May 5, 2003
(AP)
Publications room, Pottsville - Strom Thurmond's untimely death in mid 2003s, touched many lives, none though, more important then Antonio Marcus Mercuri, 17, son of Domenic and Sandra Mercuri, and Chuck St.Clair, 18, son of Rosalie and Mr. St.Clair. "At first, I didn't care, then I thought about it really hard, and I did care," said a distressed Mercuri. "This hit particularly close to home, because I'm a member of the Dixiecrats," said a recently saddened St.Clair. Other then saying they're sad, the boys also honored Thurmond by drawing pictures of him, and dedication their immensely popular column the Filibuster, to Thurmond. When we questioned Mercuri about THurmond as a segregationist he promptly responded, "You could learn alot from a man of Strom's character." He leaped to his feet and galloped away. 

 

A Quest is Formed

Like a quest for the holy grail, the winner is the God.
Tuesday, June 5, 2001
(AP)
The Tomb, Pottsville - A while ago, in Dan Khool's basement, better known as "The Tomb," a quest was formed between five people to see who could pull a particular stunt off. The quest has been going on for at least a month now. What is the quest? Funny you should ask because you can't know. Only the members of the quest know and one other person who was let in on it by a member of the quest who should be disqualified for doing so but it will be left alone. The participants are all members of Goko except for n0thing717 and Double U. So when the quest is over in the event that the stunt has been pulled off or when everyone gives up because the task at hand is too difficult, the winner will be posted, here. That's all for now, be patient, this MAY take a while.

 

What does this mean?!?

Reporters say this could be the end of the world ... .

Tuesday, February 27, 2001
(AP)
Unknown Location, Pottsville - What does one see when they look at this picture? To describe it in one word, chaos. But don't take my word for it. Ask superman. In a recent interview, the man of steel told us, "These guys are worse than kryptonite!" However, these boys also carry a positive message. Reports say that the fearsome sevensome spread such positive messages as "Do not set yourself on fire," "Stay in school," and "Slide your way right through life." What's their deal? Some must admit that a problem is developing, but hard evidence has yet to be found. In other news, plastic comes up on metal detectors all the time.

 

Huge Accident in Backyard

Survivors crawl from the twisted burning wreckage.
Wednesday, January 10, 2001
(AP)
Erin's Backyard, Pottsville - A dangerous accident took place in Erin's backyard. Cars were colliding left and right. The cars in the wreck were a red and yellow kids car, and blue and yellow three wheeler, and a wheel barrel with a small child inside. Apparently the drivers were having a race and the time and accidentally ran into each other causing the wreck. A broken Dan Khool, 15, son of Sarwat and Claudhopper, Pottsville, could only quote that, "My head hurt. I think I had a brain freeze. What's up in the hood?" It's a sad thing to see such a
young person feeling so much pain and aggravation. No one was hurt in the wreck, but water was sprayed on the survivors to ease their pain later on that day. Although everyone was fine from the wreck, it still hurt them all mentally. They have been put in a mental hospital where they spend their time working on a web site called Goko which involves subjects such as ... nothing.

 

Local Youth Invents Name

An intoxicated Brennan most likely armed and dangerous
Sunday, December 17, 2000
(AP)
Pizza Hut, Pottsville - In a recent conversation, Marc Gustas, 15, son of Jim and Kathy Gustas, Pottsville, announced to his friends xxxx, 16, son of xxxx and xxxx, Pottsville, and Daniel Khool, 15, son of Claudiahopper and Sarwat Khool, Pottsville, that the title to be given to Erin, 16, daughter of Greg and Lisa, Pottsville, and Sean, 17, son of Patrick and Kim, Pottsville, shall be none other than "Erphone." The name comes from the first two letters of her first name and the last two letters of his nickname along with the slang term for
a telephone. Gustas felt that the name was fitting because it encompasses both names and a very useful invention of Alexander Grahm Bell's.

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